And when you fall I'll be there
by moonlight64
Summary: "Everyone always sees the advantages of intelligence. No one ever wastes a thought about the backside of it. They envy you without knowing the price you have to pay. It's not a gift. It's a burden." A story about Nell, who reaches her breaking point, and Eric, who will always be there for her.


"Wanna go for some drinks before we call it a night?" asked Eric, who was finishing up the last paperwork of their latest case. It was a quiet Wednesday night, even though their case had been nerve wrecking. The murder-turned-out-suicide of a woman in her late thirties had affected everyone in one or another way.

"No, I think I'll just head home... It's late and tomorrow we gotta come in earlier, remember? " Nell answered. She had been suspiciously quiet all day and Eric was seriously worried about her.

"Hey, is there something bothering you? You know, you can always talk to me..." He asked as the two of them walked down the stairs.

"I'm fine, thanks though. Just tired..." She answered shortly and avoided eye contact.

"C'mon Nelly, if there's something..."

"I'm fine, really! The case was... difficult and the last days were long, so I just need a good night's rest."

To Eric she still obviously wasn't fine, but he knew better than to push her. She was probably right anyway, they all were just tired.

"Well, good night then!" He said once they reached their cars and gave her his cutest smile. "See you tomorrow!"

"Have a good night yourself!" She quickly smiled back and started the engine of her car, so did Eric. While he drove home he decided to keep his phone on his nightstand that night, just in case.

The next day when Eric walked into OPS, Nell was nowhere to be seen. He had checked his phone a billion times already but she hadn't left any message.

Half an hour after she should have been there, Eric's phone finally made a noise.

Immediately he dropped his tablet and read the message she had sent him, saying that she didn't hear the alarm and would be there as soon as possible.

Sighing Eric plopped back onto his chair. He couldn't decide whether not to be worried since she seemed fine or to be worried since she never overslept nor was late for work. Ever.

He finally settled with something in between.

When thirty minutes later Nell sneaked into OPS, worry finally won over. She was pale and not smiling and her face looked like she had been crying. A lot.

"Nell, what..." Eric's voice trailed off as her expressions suddenly changed and he was greeted with a smile.

"Just some allergies, don't worry it's nothing really." Her voice was just like every other day and even her mood seemed not to be any different!

Relieved Eric pushed the worries back in his mind and soon the two of them were back in their usual banter.

The day passed far too quickly for both of them and soon they found themselves in the same situation as the day before. Nell's mood was back down again, just like the other day, which worried Eric even more now that she had been her normal self all day.

Once they stood at their cars again, Eric just said what he had been thinking all the time.

"Nell, I don't know what it is that's bothering you, but I will find out eventually and do everything in my power to make it stop! I know you're hurting somewhere deep down and are not willing to tell me about it, but I can't let go of it. I need you to be happy! When you're sad like this... I feel just the same way."

"Eric... I am happy! And I'm lucky to have a partner like you, so carrying and always there for me! But please stop worrying about me, it's not good for you! Just like you said, seeing you so worried makes me worried myself!" She stood on her tiptoes and breathed a feather light kiss onto Eric's cheek. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

Nell drove off and Eric was left standing in the parking lot with his jaw clenched. He felt like punching something or just ripping out trees. Nell was everything but fine nor was she happy and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. Inwardly cursing himself for not doing more he drove home, the worry and fear never leaving his mind.

The next morning was spent just like the previous one, but with Nell being just 15 minutes late. Again she looked like she had been crying all night, but her mimics and her voice told a completely different story. No one in the office had noticed it, Eric knew that. Nell was always such a bright and tough person; no one would even think about her being fragile on the inside. No one but him. He loved her with all his heart and loving someone so deeply makes one realize a whole new depth to that person. He maybe didn't know everything about her, but he knew her in a way that was far beyond what one could simply understand.

The hours passed until everyone headed home, just like every day.

Not being able to do anything just drove Eric nuts and when he was lying in bed that night he turned and turned, unable to find any rest. He checked his phone a thousand times literally made his brain smoke thinking about anything he could do.

"Oh gosh Eric you idiot why the hell are you still sitting here!" He mumbled to himself and jumped out of bed. He just put on some shoes and a hoodie, grabbed his keys and was already on his way to Nell's.

When he arrived there ten minutes later and was about to ring the doorbell he realized that he still was in his Pjs, which to his luck consisted of knee length sweatpants and a plain white shirt.

And suddenly the thought occurred to him that Nell might be sleeping already and he'd just wake her up by ringing the doorbell. He felt somewhat ridiculous for just coming up here, but on the other hand he knew that it had been the right thing. Taking a deep breath he finally knocked on the door.

No response. He knocked again, this time a bit more forceful.

"Who's there?" Nell's voice sounded strange, either clouded with sleep or with tears, he couldn't tell.

"It's Eric, c'mon Nell open the door..." His voice was calm but he nervously played with the car keys in his hands. The door was opened instantly, revealing Nell, also in her Pjs .

"What are you doing here at... 2 am? Did something happen?"

"No not exactly, but..." He stopped mid-sentence once he saw her face, eyes red and puffy and an expression of pure terror and desperation which she was trying to hide. It was followed quickly by one of shame.

"Please... don't look at me like that. It's... difficult to explain."

"Nell you don't have to explain it to me if you don't want to, just tell me how I can make it better! Please!"

Sighing she opened the door completely. "Come in... I can't let you stand there in the cold just like that."

Eric hadn't even noticed that he was freezing until he was inside Nell's apartment.

"How long have you been standing there?" She asked and went straight to the kitchen.

"Just a few minutes..."

"You should drink a tea though."

He didn't protest and waited in silence, watching Nell move around. After a few minutes she handed him a giant sized cup and some Oreos.

"C'mon Wolfram, the couch is waiting..." With that she left the small room, carrying her own cup and a bowl of popcorn.

Eric followed her into the living room and sat down on the couch. " Nell, what exactly are we doing here?"

"Friday night movie, as usual."

"It's Saturday morning actually..." He smiled as Nell who was picking a movie gave him a 'you kidding' glare.

Silence followed and their smiles wore off.

"Nell if you don't feel well you don't have to pretend so just for my sake, you know that right?"

"What do you mean?" She stopped looking through her dvd collection and looked at Eric.

"I mean that every morning for the last three days you came to work with teary eyes. During the day you'd be just fine and we'd keep our usual banter, but when the night came you fell back into you hole of depression. When you opened the door 20 minutes ago it was just the same. Desperation, sadness, terror,... shame. And now you seem perfectly fine."

"I am perfectly fine when you're around. I'm happy when you're around. But as soon as the night is coming I'm alone. The night brings demons with it." The last sentence was not more than a whisper.

"And what do you mean by that?" Eric asked just as quiet but got no answer for a long time.

"That's not important. It's dumb and... weird."

"Nell you don't have to be ashamed of being human! Tears are not a sign of weakness, they just show that you've been strong for too long." He had gotten up from the couch and was now standing directly in front of her, his hands on her shoulders.

"I am not a strong person." Nell whispered and looked Eric directly into the eyes.

"Strongest I know." He gave her a small smile.

"So you don't know Kensi and Deeks and Callen and Sam and..."

"They had their breaking points too, believe me. It's not a weakness."

"And what is it that makes me stronger than one of them to you?" She still didn't know.

"I might not know the exact number of your IQ, but I know from what Hetty hinted that you definitely must belong to the zero-point-somewhat most intelligent people in the US, if not in the whole world." Nell blushed at his words and looked down onto her hands. Denying it any longer wouldn't make sense anyway.

"Everyone always sees the advantages of intelligence. No one ever wastes a thought about the backside of it. They envy you without knowing the price you have to pay. It's not a gift. It's a burden."

After a few seconds of silence he removed his hands from her shoulders and embraced her in a tight hug instead. Letting out a silent sigh Nell returned the hug and buried her head in Eric's neck.

They stood like that for what felt like hours, neither of them moving nor saying a word.

Eventually they let go of each other.

"What about that movie now?" Eric asked with an encouraging smile. "I'll go microwave the tea!"

With that he took the cups and was out of the room.

Nell was left standing in the middle of the room, thinking. She was mad at herself for not telling Eric what was wrong, but on the other hand she just couldn't. She loved him way too much to burden him with her ridiculous crap. But then again was it really that ridiculous when it bothered her so much..? He deserved to know and she wanted nothing more than to just tell him. He understood and knew her in a way that no one ever had. But what would he think of her afterwards? No, she just couldn't. Not right now.

"Did you grow roots over there?" Eric teased as he walked back in. Since he still didn't know how to help her he decided that the best would be to just cheer her up for now.

"Yea sure, I'm world's first human tree, Eric, great discovery." She smiled. Smiling was good. " Show or movie?"

"Hm... Show."

"Humor or senseful?"

"Eehh... Humor."

"Simpsons or Big Bang Theory?"

"Wow, that is a decision far above my level of comprehension. Do I want junk or ultimate junk... Good question indeed... I think I wanna go with..."

" It's Big Bang Theory now, sorry Wolfram, too slow. And don't call it junk!"

"Oh dammit..." He put on a ridiculously disappointed face, making Nell laugh.

Nell just picked any dvd in the box and then took her place on the couch next to Eric.

On the small couch they got comfy, each with a blanket and a now steaming cup of tea, popcorn and Oreos in between them.

"By the way, I rather think you'd be world's first bonsai not tree." That comment got him a hand full of popcorn in the face. But also a smile from Nell.

The time passed and they had a good time filled with laugher and sweets.

As the final credits had rolled over the screen it was around 4.30 am and Nell's living room lay in complete darkness.

"That was fun..." Nell commented, no answer. If she hadn't known that Eric was sitting directly next to her she would have thought that she was all alone. "Eric, you still there?"

She reached out and a second later had a hand full of hair and glasses.

"What exactly are you looking for?" Eric asked and suppressed a laugher.

"You, you idiot!"

"Well, I'm still here."

"Yes I can feel and hear that, thank you very much."

"Though I'm dead tired. Have been up the last two nights worrying about you." He blamed himself the second the words were out. He really didn't mean to make it worse.

"I'm so sorry, I wish you didn't have a reason for that."

"Yes me too. But after all you're always the best reason not to sleep." Aaand another weird remark, gosh, get a grip Beal!

Silence followed.

"I haven't been sleeping much either."

"I know."

"Can't..."

Eric reached out in the dark to find Nell's hand, took it and interlaced their fingers. " Why?"

"Because distraction from my thoughts is keeping me sane... Lying in bed just makes it worse."

"So you're normal around me because I'm a distraction?" His heart dropped a little, but he wasn't that selfish. Whatever made her feel better was legitimate; this wasn't about him.

"NO!" She answered immediately, a little shocked, giving his hand a light squeeze. " I don't know how to explain it."

"You don't have to if you don't want to."

"But I do want to. You..."

Eric could literally hear her brain working.

"You are just... my safe haven. You always make me feel better, doesn't matter in which situation. With you I feel safe... With you I feel like home." She was glad he couldn't see her go crimson. "You know me. Not just who I am, but you know _me_! You're the first and only person to do so."

Even though it wasn't really a difference for anyone else who might've heard it, for the two of them it made sense.

"I can very well ditto that." Eric said after a short while.

Nell took a deep "If I tell you you'll think differently."

"Why would I?"

"Just...believe me, you will."

"Nell, if that's your fear, I can assure you that I will never, listen, NEVER think a bad thing about you. Not now and not ever. "

"Okay, but just let me talk, okay? It's... not easy to explain."

"Promise." He wished he could see her right now, could reassure her somehow.

"You... You know that I have a really huge family, don't you?"

Eric nodded.

"Eric?"

He mentally slapped himself ; she can't see you, idiot! "Yes, yeah, I-I know, sorry."

"I should start differently." Her voice was focused. "The woman... You know... from our last case, she reminded me of some things I rather hadn't been reminded of." He could tell this was difficult for her, she was playing with their fingers nervously.

"She... She killed herself because she was having serious depressions and other mental health issues. Gosh this sounds so weird, I don't mean to say that I would kill myself or something, I just..."

" I know..." Eric couldn't keep his mouth shut. " I know what you mean, just go on..."

" Well,... she was having depressions because of a couple reasons. I know that because I read her psychologist's files. It didn't really matter for the case, but I was just curious... But that's not important. In her farewell letter she mentioned some things and..." She stopped and sighed. "I can't find the right words."

"It's okay..." He said quietly, reassuring somehow. "Listen to what your heart has to say."

"It's just totally ridiculous..."

"It's not, you're doing great! I see what it does to you and that is not even close to ridiculous."

"I never was a priority to anyone. Just like that woman. " Her voice was close to just being a breath. "I'd have friends, best friends even, but none of them ever saw me as a best friend. I was just the girl they could go to when no one else was available. It was the same with guys. Most wouldn't even look at me and the very few who did, sooner or later got tired of putting up with me." She shifted in her position so that she probably was facing him. "I never went to any kind of party nor was invited to one. I'm not much of a party or clubbing person anyway, but I always wished that one time someone would invite me to their party. Just one time I wanted to not be seen as the strange, random nerdy girl who gets good grades but just as a normal person. No one ever did." She sighed. "It must sound very selfish and weird... Now that I say it out loud, with you close to me, it doesn't even seem to be that bad. But all alone it just... It just overwhelmed me. I felt so alone... I felt like it was my fault that this woman died. I know that doesn't make any sense right now, but she talked about her life, about what she had missed ..." Tears started running down her cheeks. "She talked about how she never had been what everyone wanted her to be. How she had never been enough."

She pulled her hand away to wipe the tears off her face. Eric didn't know what to answer. He wanted to say so many things but at the same time knew that no words could ever explain what he meant to say. So instead of saying anything he let his actions speak for him. Without wasting another thought about it he wrapped his arms around her petite frame and pulled her close to him. She didn't protest and clasped his shirt as soon as she was resting against him.

" You are a priority to me...You always have been. " He said quietly, holding her close against his chest. "You're not alone. Not anymore."

Her tears had stopped flowing but she still held onto Eric. " Do you still thing I'm strong, now that you know?"

"More than ever." Eric smiled and lay his head upon hers. " Do you really think that you're not what people want you to be, not enough?"

Nell didn't answer.

" Well that is complete nonsense! You are absolutely perfect the way you are! You are more than anyone deserves."

"I'm not more than you deserve."

"Oh yes you are. And you haven't missed out on anything, people are dumb and mean and they will try to destroy everyone who is better than them. And you're far better than all of them."

"Then why don't you want to destroy me?"

" Beeeecause that is the dumbest question ever...Was that even a serious question?"

His comment made Nell laugh.

"To answer your question though, I would never even consider that because it would mean destroying myself. When you hurt, I hurt, it's that simple."

"And when you hurt, I hurt, it's that simple indeed." He could hear the smile in her voice. "Thank you so much for everything, Eric. I can't thank you enough."

"You don't need to thank me, Nell. I would do absolutely everything for you."

" I feel happy..." She said in a whisper, her voice clouded with sleep. "Thanks to you."

"So do I. But right now I'm super tired and you my dear could use some sleep as well."

"Let's go to bed... You really make a good pillow by the way." Smiling she got up from the couch.

"Well, good night then!" Eric was about to lay down on the couch but Nell stopped him with a confused look.

"What exactly are you doing?"

"Sleeping on the couch...?"

"Nope. Nope nope nope, just nope. You're coming with me." With that she turned around and headed out of the room.

Stunned Eric got up and followed her.

They both lay down in darkness, facing each other.

"You think you will be able to sleep?'' Eric asked.

"Hmmhmm…" She mumbled and was already drifting off.

Smiling Eric closed his eyes. They definitely needed sleep.

He woke back up to Nell turning and mumbling.

"Nelly, c'mon wake up! Please, Nell!" He kneeled on the bed, next to her. Carefully he took her face in his hands and tried to get her to wake up. Eventually she opened her eyes, looking at Eric in shock, her breathing heavy.

"It's alright, I'm here… I'm here!" She visibly calmed down but was still shaken.

"It was me this time…" She breathed. "I died."

"It was just a dream… I won't let anything happen to you." He reassured her.

"Just… hold me." She whispered.

"There's nothing I'd rather do…" He smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead. Carefully he pulled her closer, protectively wrapping his arms around her waist.

"You don't know for how long I've wanted to do this…" He said into her hair.

"You don't know for how long I've wanted you to do this…" Nell mumbled back into his chest.

"You don't know for how long I've been dying to tell you just how much I love you. Yes I said it, I am in love with you Nell Jones, madly and unconditionally." He could feel her smile against his chest.

"I love you too, Eric Beal, madly and unconditionally." Her voice was filled with joy and amusement. "But now that we sorted that out, my dear Wolfram, we should definitely go back to sleep."

With that, the two of them fell asleep, wrapped up in each other's embrace and love.


End file.
